People’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. GRE Writing Topics People’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

  • Jane
    University: Nanjing Audit University
    Nationality: China
    July 16, 2019 at 11:13 am

    People’s behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.

    Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

    Human behavior can be influenced by both internal and external factors. Opinions regarding these factors vary greatly. In this statement,  the author asserts that people’s behavior is largely determined by external factors rather than their own minds. However,  the mechanism of internal forces also plays a great role in decision-making. Thus,  both external forces and people’s own making help to shape human behavior.

    On one hand,  external forces stipulate regulations to hold people accountable for their behaviors. The problem associated with making decisions on one’s own mind is unpredictable bad consequences. For instance,  companies may copy or steal others’ intellectual property to boost profit. However,  without the punishment of laws,  such behavior might cause social disorder.  There is a general consensus that people must obey the rules to guarantee the safety of each other. This means that decisions can only be made in a socially acceptable way.

    That being said,  I would argue that people are mentally capable of making decisions and implementing their plans. If their decisions have little to do with social norms,  then personal feelings can affect people’s choices to a large extent. For instance,  human is allowed to decorate their own houses at their discretion because they have the right to make use of their own money. As long as decisions do not involve external rules,  people can determine of their own making.

    From the discussion above,  apparently both external and internal factors affect our decisions, neither of which should be overlooked. People can invest in different kinds of programs as long as they not violate the laws. The external forces provide people with a limited environment,  inside which people are able to decide on internal feelings.  This means that external forces and mental world jointly shape human’s choices.

    To sum up,  the mechanisms of external and internal forces are both of vital importance. Merely emphasizing the influence of external forces is overly simplistic.

     
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    Lin Qiu
    July 16, 2019 at 9:33 pm

    Score: 53.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;

    Problems Highlight

    Human behavior can be influenced by both internal and external factors. Opinions regarding these factors vary [Redundancy]greatly[overly used word ]. In this statement,  the author asserts that people’s behavior is largely determined by external factors rather than their own minds. However,  the mechanism [Connection problem with the prior sentence/appearance of unintroduced content ]of internal forces also (plays a great role in) [ redundancy] decision-making. Thus,  both external forces and people’s own making help to shape [article problem ]human behavior.
     
    On one hand,  external forces stipulate regulations to hold people accountable for their behaviors. The problem associated with making decisions on one’s own mind is unpredictable bad consequences. [ unclear] For instance,  companies may copy or steal others’ intellectual property to boost profit [ word form problem]. However, [incorrect conjunctive word ]  without the punishment of laws,  such behavior might cause social disorder.  There [connection problem with the prior sentence] is a general consensus that people must obey the rules to guarantee the safety of each other. This means that decisions can only be made in a socially acceptable way.
     
    That being said,  I would argue that people are mentally capable of making decisions and implementing their plans. If their decisions have little to do with social norms,  then personal feelings can affect people’s choices to a large extent. [ grammatical error in subjunctive voice]For instance,  human [ word form error] is [grammatical error ]allowed [passive]to decorate their own [ redundancy] houses at their discretion because they have the right to make use of their own money. As long as decisions do not involve external rules,  people can determine of [preposition error ]their own making.
     
    From the discussion above,  apparently [ punctuation error] both external and internal factors affect our decisions, [ punctuation error]neither of which should be overlooked[passive]. [Verbose] People can invest in different kinds of programs as long as they [ unclear pronoun]not violate the [ article error]laws. The external forces provide people with a limited environment,  inside which people are able to decide on internal feelings. [Verbose] This means that external forces and mental world jointly shape human’s choices.
     
    (To sum up,  the mechanisms of external and internal forces are both of vital importance. Merely emphasizing the influence of external forces is overly simplistic)[Non-original writing].

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

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    Jane
    University: Nanjing Audit University
    Nationality: China
    July 19, 2019 at 3:35 am

    Human behavior can be influenced by both internal and external factors. In this statement,  the author asserts that people’s behavior is largely determined by external factors rather than their own minds. However,  the distinct nature of internal forces also affects decision-making. Thus,  both  external forces and people’s own making help to shape human behaviors.

    On one hand,  external forces stipulate regulations to hold people accountable for their behaviors. There is a general consensus that people must obey the rules to guarantee the safety of each other. Laws determine to a large extent what can be or cannot be done.  For instance,  companies may copy or steal others’ intellectual property to boost sales.  Without the punishment of laws,  such behavior might cause social disorder.   This means that decisions can only be made in a socially acceptable way.

    That being said,  I would argue that people are mentally capable of making decisions and implementing their plans. If their decisions have little to do with social norms,  then people can certainly follow their own will.  For instance,  People can choose different painting colors to decorate houses at their discretion because they have the right to make use of their own money. As long as decisions do not conflict with social guidelines,  people can make decisions reflecting personal volition.

    From the discussion above,  apparently,  both external and internal factors affect our decisions. Different kinds of investment products can be considered as long as people do not make use of their money illegally. The external forces provide people with a limited environment,  inside which people are able to decide freely. This means that external forces and mental world jointly shape human’s choices.

    To sum up,  the mechanisms of external and internal forces are both of vital importance. Merely emphasizing the influence of external forces is one-sided

     
    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    Lin Qiu
    July 23, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    Will come back to you shortly.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    5. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    6. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    7. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    8. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    9. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    10. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    11. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    12. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    13. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    14. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    15. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    16. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    17. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
     
    Lin Qiu
    July 24, 2019 at 1:38 am

    Final Revision

    Human behavior can be influenced by both internal and external factors. In this statement,  the author asserts that people’s behavior is largely determined by external factors rather than their own minds. However,  the distinct nature of internal forces also affects decision-making. Thus,  both  external forces and people’s own decision-making processes/personalities/perceptions help to shape human behaviors.

    On one hand,  external forces stipulate regulations to hold people accountable for their behaviors. There is a general consensus that people must obey the rules to guarantee the each other’s safety of each other. Laws determine to a large extent what can be or cannot be done.  For instance,  some companies may copy or steal others’ intellectual property to boost sales.  Without the punishment of laws,  such behavior might cause social disorder.   This means that decisions can only be made in a socially acceptable way.

    That being said,  I would argue that people are mentally capable of making decisions and implementing their plans. If their decisions have little to do with social norms,  then people can certainly follow their own will.  For instance,  people People can choose different painting colors to decorate/paint houses at their discretion because they have the right to make use of their own money. As long as decisions do not conflict with social guidelines,  people can make decisions reflecting personal volition.

    From/In line with the discussion above,  apparently,  both external and internal factors apparently affect our decisions. Different kinds of investment products can be considered as long as people do not make use of their money illegally. The external forces/authority figures/legal statues provide people with a limited social environment, ; inside of which people are able to decide freely. This means that external forces and the internal mental world jointly shape people’s human’s choices.

    To sum up,  the mechanisms of external and internal forces are both of vital importance. Merely emphasizing the influence of external forces is one-sided.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    5. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    6. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    7. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    8. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    9. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    10. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    11. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    12. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    13. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    14. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    15. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    16. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    17. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.