Children spend too much time on technology. Playing with simpler toys or playing outside with friend is better for development.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Children spend too much time on technology. Playing with simpler toys or playing outside with friend is better for development.

  • Rachele
    University: /
    Nationality: Chinese
    September 4, 2020 at 1:22 pm

    Children spend too much time on technology. Playing with simpler toys or playing outside with friend is better for development.

    Technologies develop fast nowadays, which tempts children to pick up their electronic devices all the time. Some people, especially the parents, now concern that such a large amount of access to new technologies might be harmful for children’s development and hope their kids can play with simpler toys or go outside with friends more. Definitely, I agree with such an opinion for the following reasons.

    First, spending too much time on technologies harms children’s health. Computers, cell phones, or i-pads are always sending out radiation whenever they are turned on, which would incur children with health problems in the long term. For example, my sister used to use her cell phone for over 8 hours a day. Although in the short run, it seemed to have no negative impact for her except for the drop in her test scores, after about five months, she began to have difficulty recognizing all the words on the blackboard correctly.

    However, if children can spend more time playing with simpler toys or hanging out with friends, they will not only maintain a good physical condition, but also have a relax after  a whole day’s study. Children always feel exhausted about their various subjects; but correspondingly, playing with simpler toys or going out with friends, all tasks children can complete with ease, do not require much contemplation or thinking. They can then both enjoy themselves and release their study pressure. In continuation with the example mentioned above, after finding her eyesight drop, my sister was forbidden to use her cellphone. Alternately, she could only play with her friends. After hanging out with friends after school for around a month, she appeared to be happier, and her test grades improved as well.

    Since devoting a lot of time to technologies would harm health and playing with simpler toys or playing with friends could help children relax, I firmly advocate parents to take the second option for their children.

    September 4, 2020 at 9:03 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 50% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
    3. Many sentences are wordy; simply them. I.E. be harmful to – harm;

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.