Primary schools should spend more time teaching young students (5-11 years old) technology (like computer) than teaching them music and art.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Primary schools should spend more time teaching young students (5-11 years old) technology (like computer) than teaching them music and art.

  • Steven
    University: still a highschooler
    Nationality: China
    April 6, 2020 at 3:30 pm

    Primary schools should spend more time teaching young students (5-11 years old) technology (like computer) than teaching them music and art.

    Nowadays, people pay more and more attention to the early education of their kids, and when it comes to the question whether to spend more time teaching technology or art, everyone holds his or her own opinion. Despite the controversy that exists, I believe that teaching kids music and art is most imperative.

    Firstly, art and music provide a vital balance to the rigid programming of primary courses. Today, in the majority of primary courses, such as math and science, students must figure out the only one correct answer, or they will disappoint their teachers and parents. This rigid programming of courses leaves students no place to create and try something that is beautiful or fun. In contrast, through playing instruments or making a painting, kids can to express their unique feelings in their own special ways. They are never afraid of making mistakes while creating a paiting, so they can do whatever they want without worrying about different requirements.

    Secondly, learning art and music can make an indispensable contribution to the future development of students, both physically and emotionally. The reason is that playing any kind of instruments requires a well control of breath combined with a precise fingering of keys, and both drawing and painting trains kids to obtain manual dexterity. Therefore, by practicing painting and the instruments that kids like, they can learn how to control and coordinate their bodies in an enjoyable way.

    Moreover, kids can get better at understanding the subtle messages transmitted by artworks and music when trying appreciating them. For instance, my sister learns to play the flutes at an early age, and now she becomes very good at interpreting subtle messages and small changes in emotions.

    Therefore, teaching kids art and music is more important than teaching them technology, for art and music provide a balance to other courses and help kids develop better.

    April 8, 2020 at 2:49 am

    Score: 54.2

    Issues:

    1. About 60% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    2. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    Steven
    University: still a highschooler
    Nationality: China
    April 10, 2020 at 5:33 am

    Nowadays, people place more and more attention on the early education of their kids. When it comes to the question whether teachers should spend more time teaching technology or art, everyone holds his or her own opinion. Despite the existing controversy, I believe that teaching kids music and art is most imperative.

    Firstly, art and music provide a vital balance to the rigid programming of primary courses. Today, in the majority of elementary subjects, such as math and science, students face strict requirements. They must figure out the only one correct answer, or they will disappoint their teachers and parents. Such a rigid restriction leaves students no place to create something beautiful or fun. In contrast, through playing instruments or making a painting, kids can express their unique feelings in many special ways. When creating a painting, children are never afraid of making mistakes. In this case, they can do whatever they want without worrying about different requirements.

    Secondly, learning art and music can make an indispensable contribution to the development of students. In one aspect, playing music and drawing facilitate the physical development of children. The reason is that playing instruments requires a careful control of breath combined with a precise fingering of keys. Another reason is that both drawing and painting train kids to gain manual dexterity. Therefore, by practicing painting and the instruments, kids can learn how to control and coordinate their bodies. In another aspect, kids can develop emotionally. When trying to appreciate artworks and music, children get better at understanding the subtle messages in them. For instance, my sister learned to play flute at an early age. Now she becomes very good at interpreting subtle messages and small changes in emotions. These are the things that I cannot do. The reason is probably that I did not learn any instruments when I was a kid.

    To conclude, art and music provide a balance to other courses and help kids develop better. With these facts comes up an idea that teaching art and music is more important than teaching technology.

    April 19, 2020 at 2:21 am

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph to 80 words.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.