Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Topics Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

  • wanlinberg
    University: Zhengzhou University
    Nationality: Zhengzhou University
    August 12, 2019 at 3:53 am

    Children receive high grades.

    TOEFL Writing TOPIC: Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

    As many parents have increasing expectations on their children’s academic performance in school, and meanwhile they must give their kids pocket-money to meet the kids’ needs, then here comes a unique phenomenon that the amount of money given to kids depends on the children’s grades in the examination. Many people think this is not proper, while I believe this is not a terrible measurement to stimulate children and benefit them.

    First, giving kids money depending on their performance can foster their motivation to study. It is believed that many students feel boring with studies and want to play all day, especially in elementary school. If their parents give them money and leave a link between its amount and the academic performance, children will be encouraged to study harder than before. Besides, they will realize that the better they perform, the more abundant revenue they will acquire. In this way, it will create a powerful force to drive kids to achieve excellent grades.

    Second, the measurement will allow students to realize the meaning of money. Usually, parents give students enough money as long as students ask, whereas plenty of students take this phenomenon for granted.  In fact, the majority of students do not know how hard to earn money for their parents as well as how generous their parents are. If the amount of revenue will be linked with the kids’ academic performance in school, the kids will deem the money as something valuable, which has cost, such as the sacrifice in playtime. Furthermore, whenever students purchase, they will think of their parents and feel the love form their parents. Consequently, it will establish a positive relationship between parents and students.

    Admittedly, this method to offer money to children may stimulate students to chase after money in their future lives and even emphasize wealth excessively. However, since it is inevitable for parents to give money to students, it is not harmful to take advantage of this chance. At the same time, making students understand the importance of money will prevent them from wasting money, foster a sense of financial management, and be responsible for their economic decision.

    In a nutshell, it is reasonable to supply children with money, depending on their marks on the ground that students may struggle for higher grades and realize the meaning of money.

    • This topic was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    • This topic was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Lin Qiu Lin Qiu.
    Lin Qiu
    August 12, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    Score: 57.1

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words.

    Problems Highlight

    As many parents have increasing expectations on their children’s academic performance in school, and meanwhile they must give their kids pocket-money to meet the kids’ needs, then [ unnecessary adverb ] here comes a unique phenomenon that the amount of money given to kids depends on the children’s grades in the examination. [Wordy]Many people think this[ vague pronoun ] is not proper, while I believe this is not a terrible measurement to stimulate children and benefit them.[ unclear ]
     
    First, giving kids money depending on their performance can foster their motivation to study. It is believed [passive]that many students feel boring [wrong word/bored  ]with studies and want [  lack logical connection ]to play all day, especially in [article error  ]elementary school. If their parents give [grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]them money and leave [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]a link between its amount and the academic performance, children will [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]be encouraged [passive] to study harder than before. [Wordy]Besides, they will realize that the better they perform, the more abundant revenue[incorrect word  ] they will acquire. In this way, it[ unclear pronoun ] will create a powerful force to drive kids to achieve excellent grades.
     
    Second, the measurement will allow students to realize the meaning of money. Usually, parents give students enough money as long as students ask, whereas plenty of[ wrong phrase ] students take this phenomenon for granted.[Wordy]  In fact, the majority of students do not[ NOT issue ] know how hard to earn money (for their parents)[ logical confusion ] as well as how generous their parents are. If the amount of revenue will[ grammatical/subjunctive voice ] be linked with the kids’ academic performance in school, the kids will[ grammatical/subjunctive voice ] deem the money as something valuable, which has cost, such as the sacrifice in playtime.[Wordy] Furthermore, whenever students purchase, they will think of their parents and feel the love form their parents. Consequently, it [unclear pronoun  ]will establish a positive relationship between parents and students.
     
    Admittedly, this[ incorrect pronoun/the ] method to offer money to children may stimulate encourage students to chase after money in their future lives and even emphasize wealth excessively. [Wordy]However, since it is inevitable for parents to give money to students, it is not [ Not issue ]harmful to take advantage of this chance. At the same time, making students understand the importance of money will prevent them from wasting money, foster[ grammatical error ] a sense of financial management, and be [ grammatical error ]responsible for their economic decision.[Wordy]
     
    In a nutshell, it is reasonable to supply children with money, [ punctuation error ]depending on their marks on the ground that students may struggle for higher grades and realize the meaning of money. [Wordy]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.
    wanlinberg
    University: Zhengzhou University
    Nationality: Zhengzhou University
    August 14, 2019 at 10:35 am

    Currently, parents expect great academic performance of children. Controversially, some parents give their children money in a way of depending on kid’s extraordinary grades in school. [Wordy] Many deem this method improper, while I believe that this method, stimulating and benefiting children, is optimal. [Unclear]

    First, giving kids money depending on their academic performance can motivate students to study better. Plenty of students feel bored with studies and, furthermore, want [lack logical connection ](啥是缺少逻辑连接词呢,我加了furthermore不知道能不能满足此要求)to play all day, especially in [article error ]elementary school. If their parents leave [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]a link between the money given to students and students’ academic performance, it will encourage students [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ] to study more diligently.(我不觉得这里应该用虚拟语气,我觉得这里只是个一般条件句,它不是非真实条件句,不是假设或实际可能性不大甚至完全不可能发生,是不是用主将从现更好) [Wordy]Besides, they will realize that the better they perform, the more abundant money they will acquire. Consequently, this method can create a powerful force, driving kids to achieve excellent grades.

    Second, the measurement will allow students to realize the meaning of money. Usually, parents give students enough money as long as students ask, no matter how hard to earn money. In contrast, a large number of [ wrong phrase ] students take this generous behavior for granted.[Wordy]
    In fact, the majority of students do not[ NOT issue ] know how hard to earn money (for their parents)[ logical confusion,意思是我应该把for their parents去掉吗] as well as how generous their parents are. 这句改成 Besides, the majority of students do not understand the difficulty to raise money.
    我这里用IF从句的来论证,是不是不太好?If the amount of revenue(之前的某处显示revenue用的不合适,我这里用的合适吗) will[ grammatical/subjunctive voice ] be linked with the kids’ academic performance in school, the kids will[ grammatical/subjunctive voice ] deem the money as something valuable, leading to sacrifice in playtime. [Wordy] Furthermore, whenever students purchase freely, they will think of their parents and feel the love form their parents. Consequently, it [unclear pronoun] (我都感觉我不会用形式主语了,为啥指代不明了,我没有指代啊) will promote a positive relationship between parents and students.

    Third, offering money, based on grades, to children may mislead children. Admittedly, it might stimulate encourage (为什么用stimulate不好呢,我查过字典了,我真的比较不出来,不过我一个在杜伦大学学TESOL的老师说encourage是鼓励别人做不敢做的事情,我怎么觉得好像不适用此场景) students to chase after money in their future lives and even emphasize wealth excessively.[Wordy,现在已经缩减过字数了]However, it is the children’s desire misleads children, not the offering. Meanwhile, since it is inevitable for parents to give money to students, taking advantage of this offering is a pretty better choice. Actually, it prevent students from wasting money and help them develop a sense of financial management.

    In a nutshell, it is reasonable to supply children with money, [ punctuation error 是不是把标点符号去掉就对了]depending on their marks on the ground that students may study more diligently and realize the meaning of money. 或者我改成 In a nutshell, associating money with particular great marks is rational for students may study diligently and consider money meaningful.

    Lin Qiu
    August 14, 2019 at 8:15 pm

    Hi, it would take me considerable amounts of time to translate between the two languages, so don’t put Chinese on your essay. If you are unclear about my feedback, discuss with other students in the WeChat group; or just leave them there for my further revision. However, you need to correct ALL errors about which you are clear.