Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

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Issues:

1. About 55% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
3. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph to 90 words.

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Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

Currently, children may get some money as an award from their parents for the high grade they get [ repetition ]at school. From my perspective, however, it is not a good idea for parents to do so.

In the first place, (awarding children money)[ logical confusion – learn how to use the verb Award ] for good grades at school will[ absolute statement – change to conditional writing ] (have adverse effects on)[wordy – use verb  ] their development for (a long time)[unclear  ]. As we know, (it is necessary to)[ remove most IT IS ADJECTIVE sentences: developing …is necessary ] develop an interest in studying when people are young. If a child often gets[grammatical error – subjunctive  ] money when getting a high score, he or she will [grammatical error/would  ]have the wrong idea of inevitably associating [ inappropriately associate ]the[  article error] high grade with money[ repetition – financial incentive /incentivization ]. If so, he will [absolute statement  ]study hard only in order to acquire money. Once the parents stopped paying[ wrong word ] money, the kid had[ tense error ] no incentive to learn the[  article error] knowledge. Take my sister as an example, [ punctuation error ]when she was young, she was always given money if she got a good mark. So she worked harder to get more money. When she got into high school, my parents didn’t give her money as an award. And then on, she felt that studying was boring and dull, so she got[ informal word ] poor performance at school. Therefore, parents should not award the kid money if they have a high grade.

Furthermore, [ I believe that ]parents should adopt other positive methods to awarding[ word form error ] their[ unclear pronoun ] study. It is[choppy sentence  ] because beneficial awards can inspire kids’ interest in the study and broaden their horizons. For example, when [ When ]I got[repetition  ] a good grade in high school, my parents allowed me to travel to Beijing as an award. I went to the Palace museum, learned the history of the Qing dynasty, and knew a lot of stories of celebrities. This experience (expanded my eyes)[ unclear ] and (made more interest for me)[  unclear] to study history. Besides, the visit to Tsinghua University made me yearn for it[  unclear pronoun], which stimulated me to study harder. For me, traveling to Beijing awarded by my parents is much more meaningful than giving me money.

In conclusion, it is advisable for parents not to offer their children money as an award due to the negative consequence of such a method[punctuation error  ] as well as other better approaches[unclear sentence  ].

Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

Currently, [ Some  ]children may get some money as an award from their parents for the [article error   ]high grade[ word form error  ] they gain at school. From my perspective, however, it is not a good idea for parents to do so.

In the first place, rewarding children money for good grades  can affect adversely their extended[ unclear  ] development.   Developing[ logically disconnected from the last sentence  ] an interest in studying when people are young is necessary. If a child got money when[logically confusing   ] getting a high score, he or she would inappropriately associate high grades with[ article error  ] financial incentive. If so, he[inconsistent   ] can [ wrong word  ]study hard  in order to acquire money. Once the [ article error  ]parents will [ grammatical error  ]stop rewarding money, the kid will have no incentive to learn knowledge. Take my sister as an example. When she[my sister   ] was young, she was always given money if[ after she had  ] she got [ repetition  ]a good mark. So she worked harder to get more money. When she got[ repetition  ] into high school, my parents didn’t give her money as an award. And then on,[ redundant  ] she felt that studying was boring and dull, so she achieved poor performance at school.

Furthermore, I believe that parents should adopt other positive methods to reward kids’ study,[  unclear ][punctuation error   ] because  awards can inspire kids’ interest in the study and broaden their horizons. When I obtained a good grade in high school, my parents allowed me to travel to Beijing as an award. (I went to the Palace museum, learned a lot about the Qing dynasty, and knew a lot of stories of celebrities)[ grammatical error  ]. This experience enriched my historical knowledge since these[unclear pronoun   ] are not accessible in my book. Besides, the visit to Tsinghua University made me yearn for studying there, which stimulated me to study harder. For me, traveling to Beijing awarded by my parents is much more meaningful than giving me money.

In conclusion, it is advisable for parents not to offer their children money as an award due to the negative consequence of such a method, as well as other better approaches for rewards[ unclear  ].