Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade they get in school

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. Make your argument clear in the introduction. Do not just summarize the question, instead answer why you disagree.
3. Word choice errors
4. Article errors
5. Subject-verb agreement errors

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea?

Nowadays, parents adopt various methods to motivate their children to study hard. One measure is to offer their school-age children money for each high grade they get. [Some people approve of this method, while others oppose it.][irrelevant to you   ] (From my point of view, I disagree)[ repetition  ] with the[ /this  ] idea because it will[ absolute writing – change to conditional writing  ] misguide children and exert a lot of pressure on them.

To begin with, (giving money)[ repetition  ] for[ wrong preposition  ] rewards (will mislead children about)[ unclear/grammatical error — could distort  ] the purpose of the [  article error ]study. They [ unclear pronoun  ]will [ absolute statement  ]gradually become utilitarian[wrong word   ] instead of (regarding study as their responsibilities)[unparalelled — become …instead of/rather than do…  ]. Children have to study hard in school, no matter they will get rewards or not. They should study hard [ repetition  ]out of their interests[ word form error  ], [. If   ]but if parents use[grammatical error -subjunctive   ] money as a reward, [ their  ]children’s incentive for studying will[grammatical error – subjunctive   ] change into a negative one. Once their parents stop giving them money anymore, they may lose the motivation for study and may (start to be decadent)[ unclear  ]. For example, my [My   ]cousin’s parents used to give him a considerable amount of pocket money if he got[ informal  ] a high score when he was at school. Years after, my cousin entered a company and got[informal/repetition   ] his job. His parents no longer awarded him money, so he slackened off. He stopped learning anything new, and he even did not attend corporate training. The result was that he lost the chance of promotion for many times.

Secondly, it[  unclear pronoun ] may [ grammatical error  ]give children a lot of[ informal  ] pressure and destroy children’s[their   ] real interests [ word form error  ]if parents offer[ grammatical error  ] money for their high marks. Some children are not talented in studying the school’s [ certain  ] subjects, [  punctuation error ]instead, they have other interests like dancing, painting, [ and  ]even playing or designing games. For these kinds of students who are not very smart or do not have any interest in studying, it[ unclear pronoun – avoid using it is…  ] is too hard [repetition   ]for them to get high grades. However, many children want to get[repetition/informal   ] more money so that they can [ could readily  ] buy things they want with more freedom. As a result, (some children whose development prospects are not in school will try hard to get high grades just to get more money from their parents)[wordy/unclear   ]. They may feel very tired and toilsome in the schoolwork, and their real interests then vanish.

To sum up, I do not think {giving school-aged children money to reward their high marks is a good idea)[ repetition  ],[ punctuation error  ] because it[ unclear pronoun  ] will give children a distorted impression about the purpose of studying hard, [ punctuation error  ]and because children will have more pressure and they may lose their real interests.[lengthy sentence – split into two   ]