Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them.

  • ryuuichiii
    University: Anhui university
    Nationality: china
    July 25, 2020 at 2:29 pm

    Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?

    With the rapid development of technology and entertainment industry, video games have become  accessible for most people, especially children. Though playing video games can be regarded as a harmless way of entertainment, from my point of view, its adverse effects outweigh the benefits.

    There is no doubt that its adverse effects are predominant. One problem it brings is healthy issues, which is especially severe among students. Playing video games without limitations for a long time can pose a serious threat to eyesight which is nearly impossible to repair. The blue light discharged from the screen is harmful to retinas, which can cause various kinds of diseases. Besides, it also may have an adverse impact on body shapes. People often eat lots of junk foods when playing video games, however, they spend nearly no time on fitness and exercise, which definitely do harm to their health in a way.

    Another problem is that it can be addictive to people, which has an damaging influence on their daily life.  Many video games are designed to be addictive, so that the producers can make profits from them. As a result, players will spend their time and money on it at all costs. Besides, many students reported that, they often have bad academic performance when they are in class, because games make them hard to concentrate on study.

    Though video games do harm to people in many ways, it still can be recognized as a useful tool in a few aspects. Some video games are based on real history, which is helpful for people to know more about human culture, especially those whose themes are historical. Due to the fact that some designers combine the games with useful knowledge, it is also feasible for video games play a role as an education aid.

    In conclusion, the negative impacts of video games outweigh the benefits, though it can be useful to people in some limited ways. However, we should make the best use of its positive effects and avoid being manipulated by virtual cyberspace. Only in this way can we benefit from it.

    July 27, 2020 at 10:06 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Make your argument clear in the introduction, why do adverse effects outweigh positives?
    2. Simplify – remove unnecessary words/sentences
    3. Article errors
    4. Punctuation errors (too many commas)
    5. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    6. About 15% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.