Some people think a sense of competition in children should be encouraged

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. IELTS Writing Some people think a sense of competition in children should be encouraged

  • lifu250250
    University: East China University of Science and Technology
    Nationality: chn
    August 8, 2020 at 2:48 pm

    Some people think a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

     

    Individuals hold various opinions about whether pupils should be requested to be co-operative or competitive. As far as I am concerned, while competition is necessary sometimes, learning how to work with others is more vital in the globalized society.

    No one can deny that competition not only plays an basic rule in recent decades, but also can motivate children under some circumstances. With regard to the former, with the increasing number of the populations, competition is required to divide people according to their knowledge and ability. For instance, students should take exams to apply for their favorite schools by knocking others out. When they finish their studies, they also need to find a remarkable job by competition with other graduates. In addition, competition can be a proper resource of motivation. In school, teachers use prizes and awards to attract pupils spare no effort and do better in class, it can build kids’ self-confidence and relevant abilities more quickly, while pushing them to work independently and solve problems they suffered.

    Nevertheless, in the globalized world, it is perhaps more important for pupils to learn how to co-operate with others. Nowadays, people in different countries often work in a team, being responded for several aspects, following the instruction given by the team leader. Teamwork skills are more useful than compete with each other. So students ought to be taught more about how to work with others rather than being a winner, which will be more helpful for student in their future career.

    In conclusion, I believe that pupils require compete with others, but it seems that keeping a co-operate mind is much more significant for children’s future.

    August 11, 2020 at 3:47 am

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Wordy – remove unnecessary words
    2. Article errors
    3. Unnecessary commas
    4. About 45% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    5. About 40% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.
    6. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph within 90 words.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.