Some people think that the best way to reduce the time spent in traveling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. 

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. › IELTS Writing › Some people think that the best way to reduce the time spent in traveling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. 

  • ShippersForMe Participant
    Chandler
    University: Dalian university of technology
    Nationality: China
    March 22, 2021 at 2:51 pm

    Some people think that the best way to reduce the time spent in traveling to work is to replace parks and gardens close to the city center with apartment buildings for commuters, but others disagree. 

    There are conflicting views regarding whether parks and gardens influence the time people commute. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument, and provide my own opinion at the end.

    Those who support replacing parks and gardens may put forth the following arguments. There is no doubt that city centers are designed for technology and business, so the effectiveness of work should be improved as much as possible. In this case, parks and gardens near the city center are meaningless and even harmful to the development of the city center due to their needs of huge areas. Moreover, replacing them to the suburban means cheaper and wider places can be used, enhancing the quality of parks. Besides, reaching there will be more convenient and accessible for the city or the countryside.

    However, opponents have their own opinion, which they can also easily justify. Although parks may block the ways people use to commute, the main reason is traffic jams, which waste large amounts of time waiting to pass. The reason why they happen is the increasing number of cars and population compared to the development of the city. Besides, modern people are often stressful and frustrated due to arduous work, and need to refresh themselves after work. So if there are gardens near city centers, they are able to relax people, and reduce pressure after long work.

    In my opinion, parks and gardens may waste people’s time commuting, but we can find more efficient and immediate approaches to address that problem rather than simply remove gardens.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    March 23, 2021 at 1:06 am

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Simplify or split them. (TOEFL/IELTS: 15%- qualifies for non-software revision; 30% applies to GRE writing)
    2. About 25% of the sentences are passive; convert them into their active counterparts. (10%- qualifies for non-software TOEFL/IELTS/GRE writing revision ).

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

    ShippersForMe Participant
    Chandler
    University: Dalian university of technology
    Nationality: China
    March 23, 2021 at 7:00 am

    Commuting is a large part of daily life for people. So some people suggest replacing parks and gardens near the city center with flats, but others object. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide my own opinion at the end.

    Those who support replacing parks and gardens may put forth the following arguments. There is no doubt most people concentrate in the city center, so more accommodations hold more people living near the city center, which means that shorter distance to workplaces and various transport. Therefore, people can choose different ways to reach companies according to different situations and waste less time on the road. Moreover, moving them to the suburban means cheaper and wider lands with better surroundings. Besides, reaching there will be more convenient and accessible for the city or the countryside.

    However, opponents have their own opinion, which they can also easily justify. Although parks may block the ways people use to commute, the main reason is traffic jams. Increasing cars and population cram the city, causing insufferable traffic problems, and people waste large amounts of time waiting to pass. Besides, modern people are often stressed and frustrated due to arduous work, so they need to refresh themselves after work. So if there are gardens near city centers, they can relax people and reduce pressure after long work.

    In my opinion, more accommodations may temporarily relieve the stressful commuting, but it cannot address the fundamental issue. We need to focus on the uneven development between cities and the population.

    TruckersForMe Participant
    Administrator
    March 23, 2021 at 3:32 pm

    Commuting is a large part of daily life for people [zero-conditional   ]. [punctuation error with coordinating conjunction   ]So some people suggest replacing parks and gardens near the city center with flats, but others object. This essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide my own opinion at the end.

    Those who support replacing parks and gardens may put forth the following arguments. There is no doubt [zero-conditional: In many parts of the world…,  ] [ that ]most people concentrate [/work  ] in the city center, so (more accommodations hold more people living near the city center) [unclear  ], which means that (shorter distance to workplaces and various transport) [ unparalleled ]. Therefore, people can choose different ways to reach companies according to different situations and [ unparalleled/change the sentence structure to improve logical connection ] waste less time on the road. Moreover, moving them [ unclear pronoun ] to the suburban means [repetition  ] cheaper and wider lands with better surroundings [unclear  ]. Besides, (reaching there ) [ unclear ]will be( more convenient and accessible for the city or the countryside) [unclear  ].

    However, opponents have their [ justifiable opinions. ] own opinion, which they can also easily justify. Although parks may block the ways people use to commute,( the main reason is traffic jams) [unclear  ]. Increasing cars and population cram the city, causing insufferable traffic problems, and [unparalleled ] people waste large amounts of time (waiting to pass) [unclear  ]. Besides, (modern people) [word choice error  ] are often stressed and frustrated due to arduous work, so they need to refresh themselves after work. [ punctuation error with coordinating conjunction ]So if there are [grammatical error  ] gardens near city centers, they can [grammatical error  ] relax people and reduce pressure after long work.

    In my opinion, more accommodations may temporarily relieve the [ article error ] stressful commuting, but it [ unclear pronoun ] cannot address the fundamental issue. We need to focus on the uneven development between cities and the population.