The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

  • jkrs
    University: Nanjing Univerisity
    Nationality: China
    October 9, 2020 at 1:32 am

    Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.

    In my point of view, today societies indeed expect young people to follow and obey rules too strict. This conclusion can be drawn upon the following two aspects.

    First of all, young people usually argue with their parents about their future careers, and this is one of the reasons that today societies expect young people to follow and obey rules too strict. In traditional families, the fathers tend to hope their sons or daughters to go on their families’ works, e.g., the doctors are more willing to adapt their children to work at hospitals instead of being engaged in other careers. This is because that they think in this way, they could provide more resources within the fields that they are familiar with. However, today young people rise their own ideas of what they really want to become more frequently, and thus the paradox appears. I have a friend, John, who wants to become an actor due to his gift and interest in performing. But as his father works as a doctor, a dentist, he wants his son, John, to work in the hospital, too. Thus they have arguments very often, even the neighbors and the teachers of John support the view of his father. Therefore John thinks that the societies ask him too much.

    Second, since the life is more convenient and people become richer compared with those before, many young people start to spend much more money for fun or their habits, and thus societies gradually believe that young people seek too many pleasures to work as their parents do, even though sometimes they have right to do so. My sister Jane used to swim every weekend, but as her father want her to get good grades in school and think that swimming too much would occupy her time for study, she had to stop swimming since last year.

    In conclusion, due to the two aspects I have mentioned above, current societies indeed expect young people to follow and obey rules too strict.

    October 13, 2020 at 4:17 pm

    Score: ungraded

    Issues:

    1. Lengthy paragraphs. Restrict each paragraph to 90 words.
    2. About 55% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
    3. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.