Whether sports and social activities should receive equal financial support?

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 40% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Simplify or split them. (TOEFL/IELTS: 15%- qualifies for non-software revision; 30% applies to GRE writing)

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

In the (unneccesary article) contemporary society, being a university student (rephrase) has become ordinary for us (unnecessary). As a result, how to arrange the (too wordy, remove this and rewrite sentence) education budget is a hot topic in our society. Some people say that we can’t ignore sports and social activities, so we can’t cut down the spending on related stuffs (rewrite sentence to improve clarity). From my perspective, our universities should stick to teaching issues, so I disagree with the statement (why? outline your argument in the introduction shortly).

First of all, it’s a (article error) inevitiable fact that there is always (unnecessary) a limit in (preposition error) every school’s financial budget. The spending on sports facilities and so on (unnecessary) needs a lot of money, not to mention the better brand costs more (how relevant is this? also not very clear what you are talking about). Not every university can have such a large budget to cover both teaching stuffs (word choice error) and the sports and social activities facilities.

Besides, which is the most important, students’ favor of activities vary in a large range (rewrite). (add transition phrase) It’s (avoid conjunctions) difficult to satisfy every student. For instance, some students like going outside and chatting with many people, while others like to stay alone. If we have to attend a dance party held by our university, those who like being quiet may not feel comfortable. You see (use a different transition phrase, too informal), the school does spend money on social activities, but not all the students can enjoy it. This is a helpless realistic problem (delete).

We have to admit that sports and social activites (spelling error) play a vital part in our development. We can get  (use more appropriate verb) some new expericences (make singular) from them to enrich our life (plural). As we are all adults, we can create a proper condition which suits for us outside the campus (rephrase, this is a strong idea but written in an unclear way). Universities are not responsible to fulfill our leisure time. It is providing good learning environment for students that a university should do (combine two previous sentences).

In the final analysis, I cling to an unshakeable position (unnecessary). I disagree with the statement that universities should pay equal financial attention to sports, social activities stuff and so on (this part is unclear, you need to end the essay with a strong and clear statement of you position).

Final revision:

In contemporary society, university students have become ordinary (a growing number of young people attend university). As a result, the proper arrangement (word choice error) of (missing an article here) education budget is a hot topic in our society. Some people say that we can’t (avoid conjunctions, too informal) ignore sports and social activities (include the “why” here, perhaps “because it increases student health”). So it is unreasonable to cut down the (delete) spending on them (specify what). From my perspective, universities should stick to teaching issues (what does this mean? be more specific and clear). And I disagree with the statement that other activities should receive equal financial support. (combine two previous sentences into one)

First of all, it is inevitiable (spelling error) that a school’s financial budget has a limit (is limited). The spending on sports facilities needs a lot of money (too vague). And the cost of holding a good activity is large either (combine two previous sentences into one). Not every university can have (has) such a large budget to cover both teaching affairs (word choice error) and the sports and social activities facilities.

Besides, which is very important, (use only one transition phrase) students have a large range of hobbies. Due to various (the variety) of hobbies, it is difficult to satisfy every student. For instance, some students like going outside and chatting with people, while others like to stay (be) alone. If we have to attend a dance party held by our university, those who like being quiet may not feel comfortable. It is a waste of money (combine two previous sentences into one). The school does (Universities) spend money on social activities, but not all the students can enjoy it (enjoy them).

Admittedly, sports and social activities play a vital part (role) in our development. We can (delete) gain new (delete) expericence (spelling error) from them to enrich our lives. However, as we are adults, we can decide what to do by ourselves. Instead of relying on our school entirely, we can go out to find a proper place to have fun. It is providing a good learning environment to students that a good university should do (rearrange the sentence to make it active).

To sum up, I disagree with the statement that universities should pay equal financial attention to sports, social activities (compared to their education budgets) and so on (delete). I hope all college students can study hard in (preposition error) campus and enjoy their lives in (their) leisure time.