With computers and Internet, people can study and work without going to school or a company. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 50% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts;
3. Verb form errors;
4. Article errors;
5. Plural versus singular errors;
6. Lengthy paragraph. Restrict each paragraph to 90 words.

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

With computers and the Internet, people can study and work without going to school or a company. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Today, it is possible to study and work through computers and the Internet without going to school or a company [the workplace  ]. I believe that although this change in the mode of study and work may trigger some concerns, it’s more positive.

Those who are against [oppose  ] studying and working online may think it will[absolute statement; use conditional writing  ] worsen people’s health. [ lack logical connection with the last sentence ]Most of the modern people lead a sedentary lifestyle. What’s worse[ Worse ], the possibility of working and studying at home will reduce [article error  ]time spent outdoors to a larger extent[logical confusion: how could a possibility reduce time spent outdoors?  ]. This[unclear pronoun  ] can result in various health issues, including obesity and malfunction of the immunity [word form error  ]system.

However, the benefits of this phenomenon exceed its drawbacks. Firstly, it saves the time consumed by transportation. Recently, traffic jams[ word form error ] in peak hours become a nightmare in many metropolises. But computers and the Internet can free people from numerous uncomfortable hours on the road, then they can turn to do something else according to personal interests.

In addition, people have access to (more school and work choices)[ unclear ]. With the prevalence of computers and the Internet, attending a lecture or meeting held at a far-away place is feasible. As a result, people can choose among schools and workplaces all over the world, which can enlarge the likelihood of finding a satisfying one[unclear pronoun  ].

In conclusion, working and studying with computers and the Internet without going to school or a company [ repetition ]can bring many positive effects, including exposing people to more leisure time and choices. I suggest that people can [grammatical error – subjunctive  ]do outdoor exercises [ word form error ]regularly to lessen the[  article error] possible health problems brought by this change in the way people study and work[  wordy].

Today, it is possible to study and work through computers and the Internet without going to school or the workplace. I believe that although [ Although  ]this change in the [ new  ]mode of study and work may trigger some concerns, it’s more positive[ I am of the opinion that its benefits outweigh the downsides   ].

Those who oppose working and studying online may think it[ this new lifestyle could  ] can worsen [harm – worsen means from bad to worse   ] people’s health. If it’s[ grammatical error  ] possible to work [ working  ]at home [WERE allowed   ], individuals are [ WOULD be  ]likely to reduce the time spent outdoors. This tendency can[ could – conditional writing  ] result in various health issues, including obesity and malfunction of the immune system [ malfunctions/disorder  ].

However, [ I believe that  ]the benefits of this phenomenon exceed its drawbacks. Firstly, it saves the time [ that otherwise is  ]consumed by transportation. Recently, traffic jam in peak hours becomes[has become (recently)   ] a nightmare in many metropolises. (But computers and the Internet can free people from numerous uncomfortable hours on the road, then they can turn to do something else according to personal interests.)[ unclear  ]

In addition, people have access to a wider range of schools and jobs[ logically incomplete – need to echo the thesis  ]. With[Due to   ] the prevalence of computers and the Internet, attending a lecture or meeting held at a far-away place is feasible. As a result, people can choose [a school or an employer   ]among schools and workplaces all over [ across  ]the world, which can enlarge the likelihood of finding the right fit for them.

In conclusion, working and studying online can bring many positive effects, including exposing people to [ people with  ]more leisure time and [, academic opportunities and professional   ]choices. [ In light of these benefits,  ]I suggest that people should do outdoor exercise regularly to lessen the possible [reduce potential   ]health problems.