Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science and history.

TOEFL, IELTS, Personal Statement and CV Proofreading Services. TOEFL Writing Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science and history.

  • Wang Tingyu
    University: Hubei University of Chinese Medicine
    Nationality: China
    August 30, 2019 at 10:35 am

    TOEFL Writing Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Younger school children (aged five to ten) should be required to study art and music in addition to math, language, science and history.

    Education, the foundation of future success, has been valued and even triggered a heated discussion over whether young children should be required to study art and music except learning other compulsory courses.In order to have a better future, in many people’s views, children aged from five to ten should not spend extra time and energy to learn these unnecessary courses like art and music.Contrary to other people’s opinions is my perspective that children can be placed as beneficiaries by learning art and music subjects,due to the contributions to their academic learning and personal development.

    What should be prioritized is that studying art and music benefits young children in academic learning, including expanding knowledge basis and triggering their learning interests.To begin with, studying art and music subjects can provide young kids with the access to a wide rage of knowledge.To explain it further, young children,required to study additional courses including art and music, can learn knowledge in different areas beyond their compulsory courses, which is vital to expand their horizons at a early age;on the contrary, such enlarged knowledge basis cannot be obtained if they don not have the chance to learn art and music subjects.Moreover, the learning interests of students aged from five to ten will be boosted by learning art art and music. In detail, in art or music courses, students have the opportunity to watch some documentaries about art or music and appreciate some famous art works or classical musics, which can trigger students interests to explore new things; however, young children will feel tired easily if they only learn some theoretical courses like science and math.

    What should be equally worth discussing is that learning art and music courses are conducive to students personal development, including well-developed time management skills and persistence.Initially, additional courses encourage young students to make a effective study schedule and their time management skill will be cultivated. To be more specific, young children, with the requirement of learning art and music in addition to other subjects,will learn to allocate their time to finish their homework of different courses.Moreover, never should we ignore the significance of cultivation of perseverance. Specifically, difficulties and setbacks will be encountered by young children when studying art and music subjects, which create a good opportunity for these children to foster persistence, one of the most admirable qualities in people’s life.

    Academic learning, the basis of students’ school life, will be improved by studying additional courses like art and music. Personal development, another vital element in the process of  children’s growth,will be bettered by learning art and music subjects.To conclude, only by studying additional courses including art and music, can young children reap the maximum the most benefits.

    September 3, 2019 at 2:44 am

    Score: 19.9

    Please revise your essay based on the following, and then resubmit your essay.

    • Convert passive sentences into their active counterparts;
    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    • Shorten your essay to 320- words.

    I will send you the screenshot via WeChat in relation to your essay problems.

    Regards,

    Lin Qiu

    Wang Tingyu
    University: Hubei University of Chinese Medicine
    Nationality: China
    September 3, 2019 at 11:48 am

    Education, the foundation of future success, has been valued and even triggered a heated discussion over whether young children should be required to study art and music. In many people’s views, children aged from five to ten should not spend extra time and energy to learn art and music. Contrary to other people’s opinions is my perspective that children can be placed as beneficiaries by learning art and music subjects, due to the contributions to their academic learning and personal development.

    First of all, studying art and music subjects benefits young children in academic learning, including expanding knowledge basis and triggering their learning interests. To begin with, studying art and music subjects can provide young kids with the access to a wide range of knowledge. To explain it further, young children can learn knowledge in different areas beyond their compulsory courses such as science, history and math, which is vital to expand their horizons at a early age;on the contrary, if they are not given the chance to learn art and music subjects, they are less likely to learn something in other fields. Moreover, studying art and music is also a good way to boost children’s interests. In detail, in art or music classes, students have the opportunity to watch some documentaries or movies related to art or music and appreciate some famous artworks or classical music, which can trigger students interests to explore new things; however, young children will be easy to feel tired if they only learn some theoretical courses like science and math.

    What should be equally worth discussing is that learning art and music courses are conducive to students personal development, including well-developed time management skills and persistence. Initially, additional courses encourage young students to make a balanced study schedule and cultivate their time management skill. To be more specific, young children, with the requirement of learning art and music in addition to other subjects, will learn to allocate their time to finish their different study tasks in different courses. Moreover, never should we ignore the significance of cultivation of perseverance. Specifically, young children will encounter difficulties and setbacks when studying art and music subjects, which creates a good opportunity for these children to foster persistence.

    September 3, 2019 at 8:23 pm

    Score: 46.8

    Suggestions for Improvement

    • Shorten/split sentences exceeding 20 words;
    • Shorten essay to 320-words.

    Problems Highlight

    Education, the foundation of future success, has been valued [passive]and even triggered a heated discussion over whether young children should be required[passive] to study art and music. [wordy ]In many people’s views, children aged from five to ten should not spend extra time and energy to learn art and music. Contrary to other people’s opinions is my perspective that children can be placed [passive]as beneficiaries by learning art and music subjects, [ punctuation error ] due to the contributions to their academic learning and personal development.[wordy ]
     
    First of all, studying art and music subjects benefits young children in academic learning, including expanding knowledge basis and triggering their learning interests. [wordy ]To begin with, studying art and music subjects can provide young kids with the/an access to a wide range of knowledge. To explain it further, young children can learn knowledge in different areas beyond their compulsory courses such as science, history and math, which is vital to expand their horizons at a [article error  ]early age;On on the contrary, if they are not given the chance to learn art and music subjects, they are less likely to learn something in other fields.
    Moreover, studying art and music is also a good way to boost children’s interests. In detail, in art or music classes, students have the opportunity to watch some documentaries or movies related to art or music and appreciate some famous artworks or classical music, which can trigger students [ conventions/students’ ]interests to explore new things; howeverHowever, young children will be easy to feel tired if they only learn some theoretical courses like/such as science and math.[ unparalleled concepts/math is a branch of science]
     
    What should be equally worth discussing is that learning art and music courses are conducive to students [ conventions/students’ ]personal development, including well-developed time management skills and persistence. Initially, additional courses encourage young students to make a balanced balance study schedule and cultivate their time management skill. [wordy ]To be more specific, young children, with the requirement of learning art and music in addition to other subjects, will learn to allocate their time to finish their different[ repetition /various] study tasks in different courses. [wordy ]Moreover, never should we ignore the significance of cultivation of perseverance. Specifically, young children will encounter difficulties and setbacks when studying art and music subjects, which creates a good opportunity for these children to foster persistence. [wordy ]

    Comment: There are more errors than those highlighted ones. Please revise and resubmit your essay for further assessment and revision.  Regards.

    [Please share this essay (copy URL) on your WeChat Moments or relevant social media if you like my revision. Thank you!]

    WritersForMe Writing Tips

    1. Absolute Statement: Avoid using absolute statement.
    2. ARTICLE ERROR: errors concerning a, an, the. This is a prominent issue for Chinese students. Make sure to add/remove/change articles considering a specific context.
    3. BE VERBS: BE verbs are dull and vague. Use concrete verbs to replace BE verbs whenever needed. I.E. commercials are beneficial to children. – Commercials benefit children.
    4. COHERENCE: To improve the natural flow from one sentence to the other, make the subject of a sentence echo the subject, or the object, of the last sentence.
    5. COORDINATING CONJUNCTION error: In formal writing, a comma is needed when the 7 coordinating words (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so – FANBOYS) are connecting sentences/clauses.
    6. Effectiveness: use verbs instead of BE+adjectives to improve effectiveness.
    7. Grammatical Errors: grammatical mistakes.
    8. It + Be + Verb:  Wordy.
    9. Logical confusion. Although a sentence is grammatically correct, often it is logically/factually confusing. Having written a sentence, ask yourself if the sentence is logically complete, and/or factually true.
    10. NOT problem. Experienced writers often avoid using NOT in English writing. I.e. Jack was very upset because he had not passed the GRE test. – I.e. Jack was very upset because he had failed the GRE test.
    11. PASSIVE VOICE: In many cases, clarity suffers when using passive voice. In particular linguistic contexts, using passive voice is fine.
    12. Semicolon: Use a semicolon in front of an adverb/adverbial phrase.
    13. Subjunctive: Memorize the grammatical rules for subjunctive mood.
    14. There Be Sentence: Wordy
    15. Unclear Pronouns: A pronoun (it, this, that, they, them., etc) unclearly refers to the prior content. For example, the first sentence contains two singular nouns, so IT in the second sentence can refer either of them.
    16. Unparalleled Structure:  use paralleled structures, including tense.
    17. VERBOSE: The sentence/phrase can be simplified.
    18. WEAK VERBS: an alternative verb may help improve sentence effectiveness and clarity. The Internet makes us know many things. – The Internet helps us (to) know many things.

    Would like to know how to write Statement of Purpose and Personal Statement? Please visit PersonalStatement101.com.

    Wang Tingyu
    University: Hubei University of Chinese Medicine
    Nationality: China
    September 5, 2019 at 11:59 pm

    Education, the foundation of future success, has been demonstrated and even triggered a heated discussion over whether young children should be recommended to study art and music. Many people hold the view that children aged from five to ten should not spend extra time and energy to learn art and music. Contrary to other people’s opinions is my perspective that children can be beneficiaries by learning art and music subjects due to the contributions to their academic learning and personal development.

    First of all, studying art and music subjects benefits young children in academic learning, including expanding knowledge basis and triggering their learning interests. Initially, studying art and music subjects can provide young kids with the/an access to a wide range of knowledge. To explain it further, young children can learn knowledge in different areas beyond their compulsory courses such as science, history and math, which is vital to expand their horizons from a early age . On the contrary, if they are not given the chance to learn art and music subjects, they are less likely to learn something in other fields.

    Moreover, studying art and music is also a good way to boost children’s interests. In detail, in art or music classes, students have the opportunity to watch some documentaries or movies related to art or music and appreciate some famous artworks or classical music, which can trigger students’ interests to explore new things However, young children will be easy to feel tired if they only learn some theoretical courses like/such as science and history.

    What should be equally worth discussing is that learning art and music courses are conducive to students’ personal development, including well-developed time management skills and persistence. Initially, additional courses encourage young students to balance study schedule and cultivate their time management skill. To be more specific, young children, with the requirement of learning art and music in addition to other subjects, will learn to allocate their time to finish  various study tasks in different subjects. Moreover, never should we ignore the significance of cultivation of perseverance. Specifically, young children will encounter difficulties and setbacks when studying art and music subjects, which creates a good opportunity for these children to develop the quality of persistence.

    September 9, 2019 at 1:26 am

    Score: 42.8

    Most sentences exceed 20 words, so please split or shorten these sentences. Additionally, there is a large number of passive sentences, so convert them into their active counterparts. You also need to shorten your essay to -320 words.

    I will send you screenshots to illustrate errors/problems in relation to your essay.

    Regards,

    Lin Qiu