Currently, parents expect great academic performance of children. Controversially, some parents give their children money in a way of depending on kid’s extraordinary grades in school. [Wordy] Many deem this method improper, while I believe that this method, stimulating and benefiting children, is optimal. [Unclear]

First, giving kids money depending on their academic performance can motivate students to study better. Plenty of students feel bored with studies and, furthermore, want [lack logical connection ](啥是缺少逻辑连接词呢，我加了furthermore不知道能不能满足此要求)to play all day, especially in [article error ]elementary school. If their parents leave [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ]a link between the money given to students and students’ academic performance, it will encourage students [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice ] to study more diligently.(我不觉得这里应该用虚拟语气，我觉得这里只是个一般条件句，它不是非真实条件句，不是假设或实际可能性不大甚至完全不可能发生，是不是用主将从现更好) [Wordy]Besides, they will realize that the better they perform, the more abundant money they will acquire. Consequently, this method can create a powerful force, driving kids to achieve excellent grades.

Second, the measurement will allow students to realize the meaning of money. Usually, parents give students enough money as long as students ask, no matter how hard to earn money. In contrast, a large number of [ wrong phrase ] students take this generous behavior for granted.[Wordy]
In fact, the majority of students do not[ NOT issue ] know how hard to earn money (for their parents)[ logical confusion，意思是我应该把for their parents去掉吗] as well as how generous their parents are. 这句改成 Besides, the majority of students do not understand the difficulty to raise money.
我这里用IF从句的来论证，是不是不太好？If the amount of revenue（之前的某处显示revenue用的不合适，我这里用的合适吗） will[ grammatical/subjunctive voice ] be linked with the kids’ academic performance in school, the kids will[ grammatical/subjunctive voice ] deem the money as something valuable, leading to sacrifice in playtime. [Wordy] Furthermore, whenever students purchase freely, they will think of their parents and feel the love form their parents. Consequently, it [unclear pronoun] (我都感觉我不会用形式主语了，为啥指代不明了，我没有指代啊) will promote a positive relationship between parents and students.

Third, offering money, based on grades, to children may mislead children. Admittedly, it might stimulate encourage (为什么用stimulate不好呢，我查过字典了，我真的比较不出来，不过我一个在杜伦大学学TESOL的老师说encourage是鼓励别人做不敢做的事情，我怎么觉得好像不适用此场景) students to chase after money in their future lives and even emphasize wealth excessively.[Wordy，现在已经缩减过字数了]However, it is the children’s desire misleads children, not the offering. Meanwhile, since it is inevitable for parents to give money to students, taking advantage of this offering is a pretty better choice. Actually, it prevent students from wasting money and help them develop a sense of financial management.

In a nutshell, it is reasonable to supply children with money, [ punctuation error 是不是把标点符号去掉就对了]depending on their marks on the ground that students may study more diligently and realize the meaning of money. 或者我改成 In a nutshell, associating money with particular great marks is rational for students may study diligently and consider money meaningful.