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小白胡乱改一改，主要挑挑时态拼写的错嘿嘿~希望别嫌弃哈~~

An increasing number of people begin to realize that there are more and more television advertisements directed towards young children. However, （people’s opinions vary) when it comes to whether these advertisements should be allowed or not, people’s opinions vary. As far as efficiency, children’s health and economy are concerned, I firmly hold the opinion that television advertising directed towards young children should not be allowed.

One reason why these advertisements should not be allowed is that they are of  (“have” may be better?) negative influence on children’s health. The advertisement directed towards young children are usually of commodities as candies, toys, trash foods (about … such as…), which does no good and sometimes even harm to children’s health. According to a research made by the Health ministry of China, nearly 52% of the children spend more than 4 hours a day watching TV, and a large proportion of them have health problems such as overweight. That is because children who are fascinated by such advertisements tend to spend a large amount of time sitting in sofa to watch them. (I feel that this sentence is  not related to topic) They are fond of eating trash foods like potato chips instead of regular meals (word here could be more precise, such as “healthy food” “vegetables). Had it not been these advertisements, children’s health couldn’t be so worrisome like this.

Nevertheless, some people argue that these advertisements can help promote some goods and shouldn’t be banned. Indeed, these advertisements can result in a temporary boost in economy, but in the long run it’s drawbacks might out weigh the advantage (I know what you wanna express, however, it could be stated in a neater way. such as ” but the case may be overstated, for+reason). When facing the short term profits of selling these goods, people tend to only focus on the sales targeting at children, and ignore expanding market scale and sales volume on commodities facing adults. (I think it is not persuasive enough since you seem to list theories in books rather than present your evidence or your logic) These kinds of arrangement are possible to form an up-side down market structure, bringing a recession on sales market performance. Thus it isn’t the true solution to this problem, it only leaves the risk to the future.

In conclusion, concerning (based on argument discussed above)all the points mentioned above, I maintain (am of the opinion) that these television advertisement directed towards young children should not be allowed. Only by controlling these advertisements’ number and quality can we embrace a better environment for children’s growth and the sales economy.

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