superdanny
Your Replies
-
May 13, 2019 at 5:09 pm
I feel satisfied for this article though I know there are many sentences exceed 20 words.
Just wondering how much score can I get~
April 29, 2019 at 5:29 amI showed my last essay to an IELTS examiner, and he gave me an overall band 5.5 =(
TASK RESPONSE 5
COHESION AND COHERENCE 5
VOCABULARY 6-7
GRAMMAR 6According to his suggestions, my main problem is in TR and CC. And there are some collaborations do not make sense. So I tried to use vocabularies that I can handle. Also,
I changed the way how my essay develops.I notice that most writing samples only have a few passive-voice sentences. So I cut a lot of them.
As for the sentence over 20 words, I don’t think it’s a minus for the IELTS essay, as you can see that many writing samples provided in Cambridge textbooks have an average word length over 20. So I kept a few long sentences.
Here is my newest edition, I’m looking forward to your suggestion!
Some people are calling into question how celebrities influence people’s attitudes toward problems in international aid organizations. While some argues that they make the world issues more visible, others believe they make the problems less serious. This essay will discuss both views and I will give my own perspective which is that famous people make problems not as vital as it used to be.
The popularity of celebrities explains their magic concerns encouraging people to care about international aid issues. It is widely known that famous people normally have tremendous followers, who would support their idols almost unconditionally. If celebrities give supports to international aid organizations, many fans would compliment their idols on how kind they are, and following, do the same thing to align with their idol’s noble behavior. Another reason is that celebrities are often reported repetitively by social media. And with the frequent exposure, influence from such people is inevitable. People would join the discussion and dwell on it for quite a while.
However, famous people can also distract the public’s attention and make the problems less important. This is because the majority of viewers are not attracted by the problems, rather, they are interested in who did it. Once new gossip emerged, they are very likely to transfer attention onto new things. For instance, Faye Wong once established a foundation for children born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation, having received money from her followers initially, disappeared from sights when Faye Wong got divorced and engaged to an actor ten years younger than her.
In conclusion, although celebrities often bring huge internet traffic to problems, I hold my view that they can distract a great fraction of attention and make the problems less significant.
April 26, 2019 at 3:20 pm[Well, I made another attempt. I think now the article is more logically-developed.]
These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities in that they draw up great attention to the welfare industry. However, they have addressed the problems hardly enough, and their influence on humanity issues is nuanced.
To many people, celebrities seem to be helpful in raising awareness of societal issues. This is because they are often seen joining different awareness campaigns and donating money to NGOs, which offers good examples as an ambassador. In most cases, they are invited by or cooperated with the sponsors, since their great reputation can easily attract the attention of social media. Problems are visible to people through high-frequency reports and exposure. For example, Emma Watson once gave a speech in the UN about feminism, which had been reported worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people joined the discussion and lingered about it for quite a while.
However, such influence is not lasting, and problems are not made more outstanding. The reason for this is because the audiences are mainly fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, often regard donations as a way to support their favourite actors. If there are new gossips coming out, they would soon transfer their enthusiasm into other things. One example comes from the prestigious singer Faye Wong, who had established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation had received funds from her fans initially, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced and quickly engaged with another actor, attention to the foundation quietly disappeared.
Although those famous people have brought problems into our view, these problems are not becoming more valued. Rather, the focus on the problems is often stolen, by scandals of celebrities.
April 26, 2019 at 9:28 amHey, I reread my essay and I found that my 2nd paragraph strayed from the question.
So I made a significant change and here’s the new one.
Hopefully, it will look better!
These days, many people owe a lot to celebrities in that they draw great attention to the welfare industry. However, my opinion is of the opposite, and I argue that they make humanity issues less important.
To many people, famous people seem to be helpful in raising awareness of societal issues. This is because they are often seen joining different awareness campaigns and donating a huge amount of money to NGOs. In most cases, they are invited by or cooperated with the sponsor, since their outstanding reputation can easily attract the attention of social media. Problems are visible to people through high-frequency reports and exposure. For example, Emma Watson once joined a speech in UN about feminism, which had been reported worldwide. Hundreds of thousands of people had joined the discussion after the report.
However, we can hardly say celebrities make problems much more significant. Instead, they distract a lot of followers to themselves. Fanatical fans, following whatever their idols do, often regard support to the welfare industry as a way to please their heroes. Their enthusiasm for humanity soon drains when new albums or gossips coming out. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, attention to the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.
Seeing through the data requires us to observe in the long term. Although famous people attract people’s attention to different problems, they do not make them more significant. In contrast, these people are stealing the focus.
April 24, 2019 at 3:24 amThese days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who make significant contributions to the welfare industry. By joining philanthropy activities and donating money to international aid organisations, they raise awareness of humanity and environmental issues. However, I argue that they do not draw up attention to welfare itself.
People agree with the former idea may fanatically adore their idols as the most good-hearted people. They not only give away their assets to those in need but also engaged in different campaigns. Many explain this as a natural revealment of some uplifting morals, as if these people were helping for free. They don’t know that this is a double-win process. By offering a little cost, which could be a sum of money not hard to earn, they build up a perfect image with immortal souls. This, in the end, would help them to gain more fans and followers, and lead to a brighter career.
In light of this, I only agree with the idea that those famous people are helpful as fund-raisers. But not moral therapists at all. We often astonished at surging internet traffic about international aid produced by devout fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, regard support to the welfare industry as a thing that makes their heroes happy. The enthusiasm would soon drain when the celebrities no longer do it or devote themselves to other activities. And sometimes these celebrities are even too famous that, people are distracted by their gossips rather than the problems. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.
Although celebrities encouraged a lot of noble behaviours, which brought attention to humanity process, they are sometimes charm overloaded that they distract people’s attention from the problems.
April 23, 2019 at 4:53 pmThese days, many people owe a lot to celebrities who make significant contributions to the welfare industry. By joining philanthropy activities and donating money generously to international aid organizations, they raise awareness of humanity and environmental issues. However, I argue that they neither have a lasting influence, nor do they draw up attention to welfare itself.
People agree with the former idea may have been trapped in an illusion that their idols are the most good-hearted people. They not only give away their assets to those in need but also busily engaged in different campaigns. Many explain this as a natural revealment of some uplifting morals, as if these people are helping for free. They don’t know that this is technically a double-win process. By offering a little cost, which could be a sum of money not hard to earn, they build up a perfect image with immortal souls. This, in the end, would help them to gain more fans and follower, and lead to a brighter career.
In light of this, I only agree with the idea that those famous people are helpful as fund-raisers. But not moral therapists at all. We have been cheated every time whenever huge internet traffic was brought to international aids in a sudden, because these are just temporary-effects produced by devout fans. These fans, following whatever their idols do, simply regard support to the welfare industry as a thing that makes their heroes happy. The enthusiasm would soon drain when the celebrities no longer do it or devote themselves to other activities. And sometimes these celebrities are even too famous that, people are distracted by their gossips rather than the problems. Years ago, the prestigious Chinese singer Faye Wong established a foundation for kids born with an abnormal mouth. The foundation once received support from her fans at the beginning, but very few have kept donating throughout the years. When she divorced years ago and quickly engaged with another actor, the foundation quietly escaped from people’s minds.
Although celebrities encouraged a lot of noble behaviors, which brought attention to humanity process, they are sometimes charm overloaded that they distract people’s attention from the problems.
April 17, 2019 at 11:09 amNowadays, some people suppose that all college students should receive history education. While there is a risk to increase the workloads of college students, I take leave to support the idea that history classes should be regarded as a necessity.
In the first place, many students have already fed up with a cramming way of study. As they are not at all anxious social climbers, they seek for more than professional skills in college. Tons of students would not focus on what they are studying now if not for the great expectations from both themselves and their parents. Admittedly, many of the students have a splendid future before and behind them, but they are not content with the narrow way ahead. Good qualifications are proofs of their intelligence and perseverance, but never hold the key to be a chill person. However, provided with a glance to history, they may become more knowledgeable and humorous. And meanwhile, they are emancipated from a boring manner of life.
Secondly, history is such an appealing subject that it offers us with immense joy and wisdom. It not only helps us to know ourselves better but also guides us in the course of our life journey. Although I have never participated in any historical course, I benefitted a lot when I was reading history. It entitled me standing on the shoulders of giants, to witness the genius ideas and avoid any pitfalls which may occur later in my life. Moreover, history gives me a horizontal view of the world, which enabled me to see through things more objectively. Exploring history is a fantastic and rewarding voyage, none of the college students should miss it.
In a nutshell, I advocate this policy not only because college students feel obliged to learn history in order to expand the curriculum, but also history itself is a kind of wisdom with great charm.
—————
This essay scores 63.3.
Suggestions for Improvement
Minimize lengthy sentences (20+ words).
April 16, 2019 at 4:33 pmNowadays, some people suppose that all college students should receive history education. While there is a risk to increase the workloads of college students, I take leave to support the idea that history classes should be regarded as a necessity.
In the first place, many students have already fed up with a cramming way of study, and they expect more than limited professional skills in their college lives. Tons of students would not focus on what they are studying now if not for the great expectations from both themselves and their parents. Admittedly, many of the students have a splendid future before and behind them, but they are not content with the narrow way ahead. Good qualifications are proofs of their intelligence and perseverance, but never hold the key to be an interesting and chill person. By learning history in a college, students can become more wise and reflective. At the meantime, they are saved from a boring manner of life.
Secondly, history is such an appealing subject that it offers us with immense joy and wisdom. It not only helps us to know ourselves better but also guides us in the course of our life journey. Although I have never participated in any historical course, I benefitted a lot when I was reading history. It entitled me standing on the shoulders of giants, to witness the genius ideas and avoid any pitfalls which may occur later in my life. Moreover, history gives me a wider view of the world, which enabled me to see through things more objectively. Exploring history is a fantastic and rewarding voyage, none of the college students should miss it.
In a nutshell, I advocate this policy not only because college students feel obliged to learn history in order to expand the curriculum, but also history itself is a kind of wisdom with great charm.
—————–
To Superdanny:
Score: 63.5.
Problem: Many sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten them and then re-upload your essay.
March 27, 2019 at 11:54 amHey Linqiu, thanks for your post.
I notice that you used a wide range of words, and the whole article is very well written. However, I don’t think you are aligning with the topic.
Obviously, this is an agree&disagree question, and I guess this involves more of a judgment about the statement rather than give personal opinions.
By contrast, you are talking about your own beliefs throughout the whole composition. As ‘Task Response’ is also a significant index in IELTS score, perhaps this article is not a good sample?
