Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

There is a heated discussion about the influence factors of one’s growth. Some people hold the opinion that inborn peculiarities make more sense, while others attach more importance to experience. My view is that different things happening in one’s life play a more significant role in his development .[ Rewrite it using your own language.  ]

(We study from life)[unclear   ] to make an improvement, which means that we are reshaped in the process of going through and thinking about things. The characteristics we are born with determined the (starting point)[ unclear  ], but through taking lessons from experience, we are also able to be [become   ]mature and successful.

Moreover, some innate factors are not unchangeable. If you [ shift of person/stick to the first person you used in the last paragraph  ]are [ grammatical error/subjunctive voice  ]accustomed to blaming your failure to these objective conditions, you will[ grammatical error  ] (be negative)[ unclear  ] and unwilling to make every effort. Instead, knowing what your shortages are then trying to make a difference, you can catch up with or even exceed/[ emulate  ] other people. For example, in the movie named THE KING’S SPEACH, the king speaking with stutter accomplished[/delivered   ] a crucial speech with his effort and the help of his coach. This is a compelling instance proving the (acquired improvement of characteristics)[ unclear  ].

Of course, it doesn’t mean [ that  ]the inborn traits don’t have influence on ourselves and [ on  ]what we do. In some fields which are highly professional and unique[ fields  ], success depends on our talent. (Considering that this phenomenon is inevitable)[ unclear  ], we’d better focus on the experience (and learn from life)[ unclear  ]. After all, not everyone is extremely talented and not everyone is good-for-nothing.

In fact, (these two factors)[ unclear/specify  ] are not contradictory. We are supposed to know our gifts and study hard from (surroundings in the proper field)[ unclear  ].

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 45% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

Whether history classes [courses  ]should be compulsory in universities (has been raging for some time.)[ unclear ] Some claim that it is essential for all students to learn about the culture of their countries [by matriculating in history coursework  ]. Theoretically, there is no better way to achieve this goal than [to  ]take history lessons. However, I am afraid I cannot share this point of view.

Admittedly, learning history is of great importance to students’ well-rounded development. But we have to admit that most undergraduates received/[completed  ] history- related education[some history coursework  ] when they studied in junior and high school. [The goal of undergraduate education, however,  ]The prerequisite of being undergraduates is that they have grasped [  is to grasp]versatile knowledge, [ in addition to depth study in a specialized field ]and it is time for them to opt for a field appealing to them. Under such circumstances, [Therefore,  ]dedicating so much time[to history learning as a university student  ] is undoubtedly not meaningful and helpful. [  In terms of fulfilling personal interest, I am of the opinion that students can ]Instead, they can continue learning history by participating [ participate ]in optional [ elective or online ]courses [in history.  ] or searching on the Internet if interested. So taking history lessons is not indispensable for undergraduates whose majors are not history.

Typically,[Additionally,  ] students are busy with their compulsory [the  ]assignments [ in relation to compulsory courses. ], and because of this, history classes seem to be a waste of time.[ factual error ] My own life can be a convincing example to illustrate it. [ For example, ]I am a junior[ and I ] undergraduate, major in Mechanical Engineering. Since my classes are extremely hard[/difficult/challenging  ], I have to spend much [ significant amounts of ] time reading textbooks and performing [engineering-related calculations.  ] calculation carefully. [As such,  ] I cannot imagine how I could/ [would be able to  ] allocate [ a big portion of ] my time [ to any ] if there are lots of history lessons to take. Not surprisingly, such a policy would make students suffer from much more stress.

Having considered all these arguments, [ In light of the reasons noted above, ] the statement that all college students should take history courses is totally untenable. And an alternative is regarding these [I argue that we should regard history  ] classes as elective [ ones, which caters to only interested students.  ] courses so that people interested in history can take these lessons.

Final revision

Score: ungraded

Issues:

1. About 30% of the sentences exceed 20 words. Shorten/split them.
2. About 20% of the sentences are passive. Convert some of them into their active counterparts.

I will send you screenshots to illustrate specific problems/errors.

People have different views on whether sports professionals’ high salaries are justified or not. In my opinion, sports stars deserve high remuneration since they have worked hard to get to where they are. However, their salaries should be (at par) [ comparable ] with those in other professions.

[ To begin with, those ]Those advocating high salaries athletes receive claim that sports-related jobs are risky [justify their argument by pointing out the potential risks associated with sports  ]. Clearly, playing a [competitive  ]game or even [participating in a pre-game  ]training is prone [can subject sporting professionals  ]to [ the risk of serious ]injuries.[, which, if happens, would lower their chance to find an appropriate after-retirement job such as a coach. ][That is to say that  ]Moreover, athletes deserve good pay. Once professional athletes retire from a sporting career, most of them fail to get a lucrative job. Therefore, the short duration of their career justifies a high salary.

Critics[, however,  ] argue that athletes’ huge[/fatty  ] salaries remain uncomparable with[ the ] earnings of[ professionals in ] other professions, [ Like athletes, those professionals, doctors and teachers alike, ]who also make significant societal contribution[contributions  ]. Medical students, for instance, receive lengthy specialized medical training prior to becoming doctors. Similarly, teachers have helped most people to get to where they are.[irrelevant  ]

In conclusion, I agree[believe  ] that athletes[ professional athletes’ lucrative income is justifiable] should be paid more since they devote the vernal season of their life to their profession/[ career ]. However, [I am also of the opinion that awarding  ]excessively high salaries of[ to ] professional athletes make it unfair for [ prejudices ]other professionals.

Since money keeps society running, prudent[ Managing  ] money management [ prudently  ] becomes an essential part of people’s life[can help one to tide over hardship and enjoy a happy life. In reality, however, many people, including some adults,  often find it difficult to make ends meet] . As such, I back the affirmation that children should cultivate good money management[ habits  ] , which would help them to become financially conscious[ secure  ] adults.

First, the earlier children are aware of the importance of financial management, the deeper/[ more  ] they will[ would  ] realize that money does not come readily. Comparing with asking for parents to buy favourite commodities, [  In fact, ] children taking charge of their own money will [  can ] learn how to possess money. For example, when [ When  ] I was young, [ for instance,  ] my parents gave me two hundred yuan each month as my pocket money. The limitation of money [ This tight budget  ] enforced [  compelled ] me to store the money[give up buying things   ] when price of commodities [  that were unaffordable ] was not affordable and not to buy unnecessary goods. Meanwhile, this deliberateness aroused my awareness that money is limited and valuable which ingrains an understanding of parents’ hardship.[ irrelevant  ]

Additionally, through learning [developing even basic   ] money-management skills [ helps children to assess the ] , children can get a good understanding of real value of goods. [  This essential capability would benefit one from childhood into adulthood. ] Humans’ desires are unlimited. In many cases, [ On the other hand, … ] children who lack maturity are more likely to buy gaudy commodities, which is a kind of waste. However, with a correct understanding of value, it’s less likely for them to waste money intentionally or unintentionally.[  irrelevant ]

Finally, learning how to budget money fosters teenagers’ [ sense of  ] independence. Instead of (relying on)[ resorting to  ] parents, children have to make their own rational decisions when facing money issues/[ matters  ] . They need to compare/[ assess/measure  ] the value of various merchandises and [ the  ] choose the most cost-effective one. Through [ such processes ] the process of handling issues, children can gather [ valuable skills to become independent  ] experience to resolve difficulties rather than asking elder people for help.[ irrelevant to the topic sentence  ]

[In light of my argument noted above, I would argue that   ] There is no denying that learning to manage money at a young age is beneficial for children to [ in terms of growing into a financially responsible adult  ]  spend their childhood. During this period of time, children invest time in budgeting money will gain more edges in the upcoming competitive future.